It’s a dull ache inside that pulls my heart up into my throat. My eyes want to brim with tears, but I fight it. This isn’t new, yet each time it happens, it feels like it. Over the years I’ve learned to dwell in this place of despair less and less, but once in a while, it’s unavoidable.
Like…when out of the blue while trying to do the right thing, I’m sucker punched in the heart and I realize I am no further along in my clan than I ever was and that despite my endless trying, it will always be this way.
I really hate saying that. If I were sitting here listening to someone else make this declaration, the faithful person inside me wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t allow someone else to be so hopeless as to say nothing will ever change. Life is constantly moving. Nothing is beyond God’s reach.
Sigh. But in this case, fifty five years have passed. Things are different, yet absolutely the same and it’s not going to change. Roles were assigned and set in stone long ago. Although I won’t and don’t have to wear that cloak any more, once in a while, I catch site of it’s threads and it rips the stitches off my heart.
I tell myself all the time that “God sees”, which is the only way I can get through most things. Friends and colleagues and countless counselors throughout the years have told me I don’t have to remain constantly tied to the whipping post. I don’t have to be present to subject myself to being blamed for things that have nothing to do with me. I don’t have to sit quietly while being shunned and ignored or held up to ridicule, yet I stay “because it’s the right thing” or is it?
“I became a warrior when I turned towards myself and started listening. In the depths of my wounds, in what I had named “darkness”, I found a blazing Light that continues to guide me.”
Indeed. God sees and so I persist.
HOW I BECAME A WARRIOR~~
Once, I ran from fear
so fear controlled me.
Until I learned to hold fear like a newborn.
Listen to it, but not give in.
Honor it, but not worship it.
Fear could not stop me anymore.
I walked with courage into the storm.
I still have fear,
but it does not have me.
Once, I was ashamed of who I was.
I invited shame into my heart.
I let it burn.
It told me, “I am only trying
to protect your vulnerability”.
I thanked shame dearly,
and stepped into life anyway,
unashamed, with shame as a lover.
Once, I had great sadness
buried deep inside.
I invited it to come out and play.
I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.
And I found joy right there.
Right at the core of my sorrow.
It was the heartbreak that taught me how to love.
Once, I had anxiety.
A mind that wouldn’t stop.
Thoughts that wouldn’t be silent.
So I stopped trying to silence them.
And I dropped out of the mind,
and into the Earth.
Into the mud.
Where I was held strong
like a tree, unshakeable, safe.
Once, anger burned in the depths.
I called anger into the light of myself.
I felt its shocking power.
I let my heart pound and my blood boil.
Listened to it, finally.
And it screamed, “Respect yourself fiercely now!”.
“Speak your truth with passion!”.
“Say no when you mean no!”.
“Walk your path with courage!”.
“Let no one speak for you!”
Anger became an honest friend.
A truthful guide.
A beautiful wild child.
Once, loneliness cut deep.
I tried to distract and numb myself.
Ran to people and places and things.
Even pretended I was “happy”.
But soon I could not run anymore.
And I tumbled into the heart of loneliness.
And I died and was reborn
into an exquisite solitude and stillness.
That connected me to all things.
So I was not lonely, but alone with All Life.
My heart One with all other hearts.
Once, I ran from difficult feelings.
Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,
and they all have a home in me,
and they all belong and have dignity.
I am sensitive, soft, fragile,
my arms wrapped around all my inner children.
And in my sensitivity, power.
In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.
In the depths of my wounds,
in what I had named “darkness”,
I found a blazing Light
that guides me now in battle.
I became a warrior
when I turned towards myself.
And started listening.~