Most people in my life are completely unaware (unless they are immediate family or have read my blogs for eons) that back in 2001 I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The diagnosis was made after I was assaulted that same year. I learned back then, that I had probably developed PTSD much earlier in life.
That being said, I consider myself fully recovered even though I am told it never goes away. I know this is true, because I have completely unexpected flare ups from time to time. I still consider myself recovered, however, because when the flares do appear, I recognize them and take the proper steps to get into the present moment.
Earlier this week I was blindsided by a situation at work where I felt someone was overstepping his boundaries. We were in an important meeting and he contradicted me several times over things he didn’t even have experience with. Throughout the day, he repeatedly incorrectly answered questions intended for me. At one point he swore I’d been given a certain list, when in fact, I haven’t and so on and so on. The entire scenario felt so ego-driven to me, it triggered a three-day long reaction.
My mind knew that he was acting partly on ego and that his intentions were probably to be helpful, not hurtful. Even so, my PTSD took me back to a time long ago where I felt belittled and betrayed and shamed. Immediately my heart-felt broken, as if none of the people I have come to love so much through my work place, really care about me at all. I sat on the couch that night feeling the familiar pangs of having the best of my intentions mocked as being fake and stupid and worse, that I had no one to go to for help.
Not a pretty place to be.
It’s taken three days to fight my way back to the truth. This was one incident in time with a person who wasn’t self-aware enough to realize he was over-stepping. I choose to believe his intention was to be helpful. I also believe his actions were ego-based, but I have to let that go and not dwell on it.
I make a conscious decision to affirm the following: It’s not true that people do not care about me; that is something from the past. It is a fact that I usually act from a place of purity. There is nothing fake about me. I am worthy. I should be treated with respect. I deserve to feel safe and protected. My mistakes in life do not define me as a failure of a person.
This morning I remembered a passage in one of my favorite books that talks about living according to old patterns that are no longer useful etc. It’s an excellent and thought-provoking little piece.
One doesn’t have to have PTSD to replay old tapes that do not serve any more. How many of us can remember and list every mistake we ever made, but we have trouble remembering the good things we’ve done?
An Angel Reminder: It’s when we mistake memory for life that we get into trouble.
All of us live, to some extent, in haunted houses populated by the noisy ghosts of memory. Voices of parents, grandparents, old lovers may haunt us. Regrets for things done or left undone may dog us, filling us with guilt and freezing us in our tracks every time we try to get on with our lives. Unfortunately, the goblins and demons of the past often shriek and moan so loudly that we can’t hear the present. And so, without even realizing it, we live according to old patterns that are no longer useful, mistaking memory for reality and letting past mistakes destroy present possibilities. When we’re being haunted, it’s helpful to remember that our ghosts are as stuck as we are. They, too, would like to get a life, but they are compelled to repeat their tiresome patterns because they just don’t know any better. Psychics say the way to end a haunting is to talk to the ghost, set it on the right track, and give it a boot in the behind, right into the light. The next time you find yourself haunted by a painful memory, you might try doing the same thing.
Are you being haunted? If so, by what or whom? Are there regrets or past actions that you haven’t resolved, or people from the past who still hold you in their grip? How is this affecting your present life? Have you ever looked these ghosts straight in the eye? When we examine our ghosts, we realize that they really have no power over us, for we can see straight through them.
An Angelic Reflection: I make the distinction between past and present reality.
( “Angel Courage”, Terry Lynn Taylor and Mary Beth Crain, ©1999, Harper San Francisco)
From The Angels:
Serenity: You are moving into a time of greater inner peace and tranquility.
Peace of mind means feeling secure, and knowing that you’re always provided for. Even if your logical mind cannot fathom how a challenge could be resolved, peace of mind means that you trust that God will create a miraculous solution. This sort of faith is always warranted because faith is a key component in experiencing such miracles.
By drawing this card, the angels reassure you that peace of mind is within you. You can feel serene, even in the midst of great turmoil. It’s a mistake to think that you have to wait until your life is problem free before you can be happy and peaceful. The opposite is actually true. First, you work toward serenity, and then your life challenges lessen and disappear. Serenity is your natural state of mind, and the angels are now working with you to actualize this.
Retreat: Spend some time alone in quiet thought. Clear your mind, and focus on your truth and priorities.
Are you pushing yourself too hard, beloved child of God? The angels remind us that rest is a natural cycle in every living thing. Think of the mighty oak tree that grows in spurts and then rests. It draws its nourishment from deep within the earth, and takes its time before growing upward again. Like the oak tree, it’s important for you to nourish yourself with spiritual and emotional “food.”
While you are resting, take time to reflect on your heart’s true feelings and desires. Your angels speak to you through your heart, and when you listen to and honor your feelings, you walk hand-in-hand with God and the angels. You will know that it is true Divine guidance, and not just your imagination or wishful thinking if it speaks of your desire to make a difference in the world.
Emerging: Your true self-radiant, powerful, successful, and intelligent-is now shining through the surface. Allow your true self to be visible to others, for you lift them up and inspire them.
You are awesome in so many ways, and you are beginning to trust and reveal your true nature more easily. At one time, you may have believed that you had to hide your feelings from others (or even from yourself!). Now, however, you realize how vital and attractive expressing your authentic self is.
Your angels are guiding you to honor your true feelings by expressing them to yourself and others. The angels will help you lovingly talk about your feelings so that no misunderstandings occur with friends and loved ones. Your angels will never guide you to do or say anything that could hurt you or anyone else! They will also ensure that your life will emerge to a new level of inner peace as you let your true self come out and play.
As you leave this place
may the Living Lord go with you;
May he go behind you, to encourage you,
beside you, to befriend you,
above you, to watch over you,
beneath you, to lift you from your sorrows,
within you, to give you the gifts of faith, hope, and love,
and always before you, to show you the way.
benediction – blair monie
Mother of the Universe
Bless us with peace
Within and without.
jalaja bonheim – 2000
Help us, O God our Savior, for the glory of your name; deliver us and forgive our sins for your name’s sake.
— Psalm 79:9 (NIV)